Struggles and Peace

This past Sunday I have finally come to peace with the course that my life is going to take.

I have this over ambition issue. I have dreamed of being in the business world since 2nd grade. When my teacher asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, I said "A CEO". I have always been very very school and career driven. The past 17 years of my life have been spent working my butt off to succeed in school so I could succeed in a career.

The thought of contributing to a company, being surrounded by other ambitious/successful people, making deals, helping clients, all of it sounds so great to me!

That being said...that ambition in life doesn't really correspond well with being a stay-at-home mother. I thought about not being a stay at home mother, but that was just selfish of me. I understand when both parents have to work to support a family, but I shouldn't want to work just for the sake of working and fulfilling my own career goals. I was never the girl in church that only wanted to be a stay at home mom or fought over the chance to hold a baby in the ward. That just didn't appeal to me...and looking back I think the reason that it didn't appeal to me is that I was/am scared to death of being a mother. I have always been great at school, but I have no experience with being a mother and I'm mortified that I won't be good at it.

Now that you have a little background, you can see my struggle. For the past few years (especially since I got married) I have been dealing with my ambition to be a successful career woman and my duty to be the best mother that I can be. This past year, the internal conflict has been especially bad. Mark and I have had several long talks (and long prayers) and we have decided that once I finish my undergrad, I will work until we have kids and then stay at home with them if we are financially able. The hardest part about this means no more school. I won't go on to get a law degree or an mba within the next few years, which is what my plan has always been. Of course higher education is definitely an option in the future (like when our kids start grade school) but it just isn't want I need to be doing right now in my life. I realized at the beginning of this semester, shortly after we made this decision, that I was being short and impatient with Mark and just had this feeling of bitterness and regret inside. I realized that this was due to the fact that I was bitter that starting a family meant that I would have to give up my dreams of a graduate degree and fast-paced career. (At least for the time being.)

I'm not saying that this path is the only right one, or the one for everybody. I know several successful mothers and women that have worked while raising a family. It is my personality (i.e., my obsession with perfection and being the best at what I do) that keeps me from being able to successfully manage that. I am afraid that I would get caught up at work and being successful there and neglect my family.

So I was taking this bitterness out on Mark. It is 100% not his fault. I chose to get married and knew when I got married that I would have to make sacrifices for my new family. This is one of those sacrifices, and I was not handling it well. I couldn't get over my bitterness. I had the attitude that I was giving up what I wanted to do, to do something that I know I need to do (be a mother).

Then Sunday changed my life. Literally. Elder Oaks and his wife came to BYU to have a little devotional with the student body. Sister Oaks's talk wasn't about motherhood, or being a good mother, but there was just one little statement she made that changed everything. Sister Oaks got married when she was 53. She had a phd and super successful career, so she has experienced everything I want to experience. But then she said this(and I am paraphrasing): I have had a a successful career, but nothing compares to the joy and accomplishment you feel of raising a family.

I actually teared up when she said that. Like I said, her talk had nothing to do with this particular topic so I wasn't expecting to feel any better about my predicament afterwards. Hearing a woman who has had both, a successful career and the opportunity to raise a family, say that really hit home to me. I don't think it would have meant as much coming from a woman who had never had a career.

Ever since Sunday I have felt so much relief and happiness and peace with my decision. I can put all the ambition and determination I have put into my schooling into being an amazing mother. It won't be easy, and I will make mistakes, but that is okay. I know that raising a family is my next adventure in life, and I am totally okay with that. No regrets.